Jealousy
The one thing that kind of sucks about "being a writer" (putting that in scare quotes so you don't puke-- secret "writer" trick!) is that once you make your first writing dollar you start to get jealous of things you would have once just enjoyed. I know there are probably some people who will claim not to have this weakness (JUSTINE perhaps??) but I think more are like me than will admit it. Whenever I read anything that's really good or even see a book that just looks really good I'm torn between pleasure and suicidal ideation. Because that should have been my great book!
The worst and most ironic part is that the closer a book feels to your (my) soul, the more you (I) can't totally enjoy it. Peter Cameron's SOMEDAY THIS PAIN WILL BE USEFUL TO YOU is probably one of the funniest and most moving books I read all last year, but the narrator reminded me so much of myself when I was in high school that I had to get up every few pages and fume over the fact that someone else had written the book that I was meant to write-- and worst of all, had done it better than I probably could have. If I had read the book ten years ago, none of this would have occured to me; I would have just really liked it. OH LOST INNOCENCE.
There are many other books I avoid entirely just because they feel too close to my personal interests. Such areas of interest include crazy girls, sluts, press-on nails, and hot stoner guys with impossibly long eyelashes. If I know in advance that a book touches on any of those topics I am not going anywhere near it cause what if I want to write something similar someday? (The answer to that rhetorical question is admittedly fuzzy but it seems like something bad could happen.)
This must all make me seem like the most crazy and petty person in the world but I am just trying to give you all of my realness. The internet is a safe space for realness, right?
What it ultimately means is that I can basically only read things that are either really shitty or things on topics that I don't care about at all. Things published before the death of Kurt Cobain/birth of Lourdes Ciccone are usually okay too because somehow that just feels like a whole different category. As for everything else I have a hard time.
You would think that this would take the fun out of everything AND IN SOME WAYS IT IS THE SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD, but the flip side is that it does make it much more pleasurable to read stuff that sucks. Terrible literature makes me feel so great inside. Airport bookstores are now my favorite. Happy ending!
The worst and most ironic part is that the closer a book feels to your (my) soul, the more you (I) can't totally enjoy it. Peter Cameron's SOMEDAY THIS PAIN WILL BE USEFUL TO YOU is probably one of the funniest and most moving books I read all last year, but the narrator reminded me so much of myself when I was in high school that I had to get up every few pages and fume over the fact that someone else had written the book that I was meant to write-- and worst of all, had done it better than I probably could have. If I had read the book ten years ago, none of this would have occured to me; I would have just really liked it. OH LOST INNOCENCE.
There are many other books I avoid entirely just because they feel too close to my personal interests. Such areas of interest include crazy girls, sluts, press-on nails, and hot stoner guys with impossibly long eyelashes. If I know in advance that a book touches on any of those topics I am not going anywhere near it cause what if I want to write something similar someday? (The answer to that rhetorical question is admittedly fuzzy but it seems like something bad could happen.)
This must all make me seem like the most crazy and petty person in the world but I am just trying to give you all of my realness. The internet is a safe space for realness, right?
What it ultimately means is that I can basically only read things that are either really shitty or things on topics that I don't care about at all. Things published before the death of Kurt Cobain/birth of Lourdes Ciccone are usually okay too because somehow that just feels like a whole different category. As for everything else I have a hard time.
You would think that this would take the fun out of everything AND IN SOME WAYS IT IS THE SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD, but the flip side is that it does make it much more pleasurable to read stuff that sucks. Terrible literature makes me feel so great inside. Airport bookstores are now my favorite. Happy ending!
Please tell me you did not read my book! And if you did, please don't tell me which of your categories applies. =)
Okay, neurosis-induced response out of the way, I have to admit that I know what you mean. Not about the shitty part--because, well, it's kind of my goal to *not* read shitty books--but about the "near and dear" topics. (I don't think those where "scare quotes"... oh wait, were those? Never mind.) I'm just afraid I'll be subconsciously influenced--not in an Opal Mehta/Jessica Darling way, but an eerily-similar-premise-and-plot-choices kind of way. I already get the "did you get your idea from Rick Riordan" questions. (Answer: No.) I don't want the "wow, that sounds a lot like...." ones, too.
Instead, I just put off ready the book in question until after I've written mine. Which, considering my slow production lately, might explain my huge TBR pile.
ha! now everyone is going to be offended if i tell them i read their book. did not consider that!
I tend to feel this way only when things aren't going well for me writing-wise. So actually I feel this way a lot. At other times though I actually can now feel happy for people who've done what I want to do only better. It's actually the people who have done what I want to do ---only worse and they're successful -- that make me feel self-mutilatey.
I would say in all seriousness go to Willow Street yoga and take a class there. It's anusara, which means when you demonstrate something -- and the teacher WILL have you demonstrate something -- EVERYONE HAS TO CLAP. And that will tide you over for a little bit. Whenever I feel sad that the world is not paying enough (positive + negative!) attention to me, I go take an anusara yoga class. I realize this is pathetic but you know IT IS PART OF MY PROCESS.
OMG, you've expressed my sentiments exactly! My solution is to never read anything. Ever. Because I know, invariably, everything will be better than the crap I write (it's even tough for me to read UsWeekly without being jealous of the phenomenal reporting). I do, of course, buy books to show my support for my fellow authors. I just don't read them.* And honestly? As long as people buy my books and tell me how awesome they are, I don't really care if they're being honest--or if they even honestly read them. Crazy and petty? I WIN! xo
* Okay, in truth, I have read a few books recently...and it was tough not to spiral into a self-loathing pit of jealousy and despair.