February 2009 Archives
The one thing that kind of sucks about "being a writer" (putting that in scare quotes so you don't puke-- secret "writer" trick!) is that once you make your first writing dollar you start to get jealous of things you would have once just enjoyed. I know there are probably some people who will claim not to have this weakness (JUSTINE perhaps??) but I think more are like me than will admit it. Whenever I read anything that's really good or even see a book that just looks really good I'm torn between pleasure and suicidal ideation. Because that should have been my great book!
The worst and most ironic part is that the closer a book feels to your (my) soul, the more you (I) can't totally enjoy it. Peter Cameron's SOMEDAY THIS PAIN WILL BE USEFUL TO YOU is probably one of the funniest and most moving books I read all last year, but the narrator reminded me so much of myself when I was in high school that I had to get up every few pages and fume over the fact that someone else had written the book that I was meant to write-- and worst of all, had done it better than I probably could have. If I had read the book ten years ago, none of this would have occured to me; I would have just really liked it. OH LOST INNOCENCE.
There are many other books I avoid entirely just because they feel too close to my personal interests. Such areas of interest include crazy girls, sluts, press-on nails, and hot stoner guys with impossibly long eyelashes. If I know in advance that a book touches on any of those topics I am not going anywhere near it cause what if I want to write something similar someday? (The answer to that rhetorical question is admittedly fuzzy but it seems like something bad could happen.)
This must all make me seem like the most crazy and petty person in the world but I am just trying to give you all of my realness. The internet is a safe space for realness, right?
What it ultimately means is that I can basically only read things that are either really shitty or things on topics that I don't care about at all. Things published before the death of Kurt Cobain/birth of Lourdes Ciccone are usually okay too because somehow that just feels like a whole different category. As for everything else I have a hard time.
You would think that this would take the fun out of everything AND IN SOME WAYS IT IS THE SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD, but the flip side is that it does make it much more pleasurable to read stuff that sucks. Terrible literature makes me feel so great inside. Airport bookstores are now my favorite. Happy ending!
The worst and most ironic part is that the closer a book feels to your (my) soul, the more you (I) can't totally enjoy it. Peter Cameron's SOMEDAY THIS PAIN WILL BE USEFUL TO YOU is probably one of the funniest and most moving books I read all last year, but the narrator reminded me so much of myself when I was in high school that I had to get up every few pages and fume over the fact that someone else had written the book that I was meant to write-- and worst of all, had done it better than I probably could have. If I had read the book ten years ago, none of this would have occured to me; I would have just really liked it. OH LOST INNOCENCE.
There are many other books I avoid entirely just because they feel too close to my personal interests. Such areas of interest include crazy girls, sluts, press-on nails, and hot stoner guys with impossibly long eyelashes. If I know in advance that a book touches on any of those topics I am not going anywhere near it cause what if I want to write something similar someday? (The answer to that rhetorical question is admittedly fuzzy but it seems like something bad could happen.)
This must all make me seem like the most crazy and petty person in the world but I am just trying to give you all of my realness. The internet is a safe space for realness, right?
What it ultimately means is that I can basically only read things that are either really shitty or things on topics that I don't care about at all. Things published before the death of Kurt Cobain/birth of Lourdes Ciccone are usually okay too because somehow that just feels like a whole different category. As for everything else I have a hard time.
You would think that this would take the fun out of everything AND IN SOME WAYS IT IS THE SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD, but the flip side is that it does make it much more pleasurable to read stuff that sucks. Terrible literature makes me feel so great inside. Airport bookstores are now my favorite. Happy ending!
Hey, I have that hat too!
Mercury went direct last week (but don't get too happy cause knowing Mercury it will be all screwed up again ASAP) and this Saturday, the moon will be in Libra's 7th house while Jupiter aligns with Mars. That's right-- the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. I mean, maybe-- this is all third-hand.
All this good astrological news coincidentally (or not!!?!?) coincides with the great news that The Blonde of the Joke finally has a new official release date: August 25. So soon! Which means you can and should pre-order it now. That's still the old cover on Amazon but I've seen the new one and it rules. Hopefully I'll be posting it here soon too. Hint: it might match this site's new-ish color scheme!
I don't much care about the Scholastic Book Clubs one way or the other. My books will never in a million years be picked up for one of their pamphlets so I have the luxury of not caring. On one hand they're famous for forcing authors to bowdlerize their work but I also generally think concerned parental groups like the one in this article need to lighten up already. So while I was predisposed to side with Scholastic, this LOL quote from book club president Judy Newman kinda proves the uptight hippie parents' point:“We work with teachers to make sure that items are O.K. to put out in their classrooms,” Ms. Newman said. “In a class of 24 kids, some of them will be turned on by a game, and it helps kids engage in the book club process.”There's nothing better than when euphemistic corporate doublespeak accidentally reveals the actual truth. Notice that no one is trying to help kids engage in READING. Instead it's "the book club process" which of course just means "instilling in children a lifelong love of cheap plastic crap."
Keep in mind that I don't actually think "engaging kids in reading" has any inherent value; books are good, obvs, but no one has ever made a convincing case to me regarding what's wrong with TV. It's really just the gross, dishonest and really transparent substitution of the book club process for books that bothers me.
Hey, did you know that I once wrote a whole book about Valentine's Day? Probably not because despite the link to your left I still haven't added any of my books to this site. (I know that's the whole point of having a website in the first place but whatever.) Anyway, yes, I wrote a whole book about Valentine's Day. Don't blame me, okay? I was paid to do it. It took me forever and was at least two months late. Because it turns out it's a bitch trying to think of a whole book's worth of things to say about a topic you basically don't care about. Eventually I managed it though and I think it was pretty funny in the end.Although I Hate Valentine's Day was the second book I wrote it was the first one to actually come out because of the publishing schedule, which meant I was sort of sensitive about the whole thing. After Emily read the manuscript (this was when we were roommates) we got into a huge fight because she did that thing where she picked out one tiny nitpicky thing to criticize before she said anything nice. Sorry, but I hate that. I don't know what it is, but somehow it seems like if you can't say anything nice, whatever negative remark you feel compelled to make should at least be substantial. Thankfully Emily and I have since made up. (And in fact the mistake she caught would have embarrassed me.)
This is all getting around to the fact that Tyler's very nice Valentine's Day playlist inspired me to do a copycat mix, and then I thought, "Perfect, this can be my weak attempt at publicizing the VDay book this year." But then I went and looked on Amazon and it seems like maybe the book is out of print? If so I wish someone would have told me. (Not that it really matters.) Well, whatever-- everyone go buy this fantastic book except you probably can't.
What I mean to say: Happy Valentine's Day! How romantic! Baby you are so special to me. I've made you a tape! I know that one is actually supposed to make a romantic Valentine's tape for one's lover but my man-friend hated the one tape I ever made him (he was like "my mom liked a song on it") so I won't make that mistake again!
Instead this is my VD gift to you. I used this thing called FAVTAPE to make it. I don't quite get Favtape and a lot of my original choices didn't work based on the site's bizarre selection-- no Annie soundtrack, BOO!-- but oh well.
Click here to go straight to the tape, or click ahead to read my annotated playlist. (Note to web 2.0 nerds creating online mixtape utility thingies: built-in annotation functionality so essential!)
Hey do you need some TASKS done for free? Do you want to participate in fancy pomo art? My old roommate, the brilliant performance artist Erin McMonagle, is (dangerously in my opinion) offering her services up as part of her next piece, FACTOTUM. Here are the details (isn't she so pretty?):
I will be performing a new piece, Factotum, February 25-March 3 at chashama 266 (266 West 37th Street). Factotum will explore the life of Marlene – the silent secretary in the Fassbinder film The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant – after she ends her employment with Petra.At the end of the film Marlene simply packs a suitcase and, with only a look at her former employer, walks out the door. Throughout the film Marlene proves essential to Petra von Kant not only for her business operations, but in her day-to-day life. The questions that I want to work with are the following: where will Marlene work? How will she survive? How will she find her work?
I imagine Marlene landing on her feet, and becoming a free lance factotum – with her extensive and various skills (including typing, note-taking, bartending, silver polishing, making and serving coffee and tea, machine sewing, hand sewing, creating clothing sketches, cooking, cleaning, dancing, answering the door, etc.) she can help anyone with anything.In order to find projects for this piece I am sending out, to all of you, a request for work/tasks. If you have ANYTHING that you would like to have done during the run please fill out the following form and email it back to me at erin.a.mcmonagle@gmail.com.
Please also feel free to pass this along to any and all friends. During the performance I will complete and perform the activities. I will enter into a mutual contract with YOU, my employers, to determine what you want, how you want it done, and when your work will be completed.
Each employer will receive a contract that details when the work will be finished and a precise time when they will be able to retrieve it from Marlene at the Chashama space. The times are precise and if you are late you will have to wait for Marlene to have another free moment. (She is German, afterall.) thank you in advance for 1) giving me some work and 2) coming to see the show! Email me anything, even if you think it's weird. I'll decide if I can manage it within the space.
Erin
Everyone should totally do this. Not only will you be supporting art but you can get some annoying chores out of the way. Here's the link to download the work form.
Probably no one reading this cares, but I've got something to say! I am so sick of Battlestar Galactica!
There was a time when I could not get enough of this show, but these days it's like one of those old boyfriends where you're like: did I ever even love him in the first place? Or was it just my imagination? Because as it stands now Battlestar is sloppy and confusing and haphazard and just plain bad, not to mention nowhere near as intelligent or highbrow as it thinks it is. I find it interesting that the creators and fawning reviewers are always crowing about how the show transcends and bucks the conventions of science fiction when actually at this point it has basically descended to the level of totally ridic sci-fi self-parody, complete with a neverending supply of impossible-to-keep-straight clones, a badass dude who wears a fuschia duster, and at least one truly egregious Mary Sue.
Of course there is one thing that consistently keeps Battlestar Galactica from being a complete waste of time: Mary McDonnell as the fabulous/terrifying President Rozzie.
Ahh!!!! She is so much scarier than any Cylon! Especially now that it turns out the Cylons are the least scary and most birdbrained of all fictional genocidal robot alien monsters ever!
There was a time when I could not get enough of this show, but these days it's like one of those old boyfriends where you're like: did I ever even love him in the first place? Or was it just my imagination? Because as it stands now Battlestar is sloppy and confusing and haphazard and just plain bad, not to mention nowhere near as intelligent or highbrow as it thinks it is. I find it interesting that the creators and fawning reviewers are always crowing about how the show transcends and bucks the conventions of science fiction when actually at this point it has basically descended to the level of totally ridic sci-fi self-parody, complete with a neverending supply of impossible-to-keep-straight clones, a badass dude who wears a fuschia duster, and at least one truly egregious Mary Sue.
Of course there is one thing that consistently keeps Battlestar Galactica from being a complete waste of time: Mary McDonnell as the fabulous/terrifying President Rozzie.
Ahh!!!! She is so much scarier than any Cylon! Especially now that it turns out the Cylons are the least scary and most birdbrained of all fictional genocidal robot alien monsters ever!
I just finished reading Lorrie Moore's amazing ANAGRAMS-- I had never read it before!-- and it made me wish that I could have a blog composed of nothing but Lorrie Moore quotes. (The new heading of this here blog is simply a reflection of this desire so no need to call the suicide hotline on me.) I'm not normally an underliner and am in fact have always been extremely suspicious of people who "highlight" things or "take notes," but halfway through any Lorrie Moore book you're always kicking yourself trying to remember all the stuff you didn't underline. Cuz you know you're gonna want to repeat those jokes later pretending they're your own. So you pick up a pen and you start underlining all the brilliant passages and that's an even bigger waste because before you know it you've underlined the whole book which doesn't really accomplish anything.
Those who know me know that I have a weakness for quippy tragedy, which is why writers like Moore, Mary Robison, Amy Hempel, etc. appeal to me. It's the flip-side of Jeeves & Wooster: puns and wordplay as LOLish signifiers of melancholy, desperation and ennui. Anguish as a second language. If I repeat the joke enough times...
What is it about quoting other people, anyway? Why do we do this: even to ourselves, even in private? Think of all the times you've found yourself scribbling song lyrics on the back of your spiral-bound notebook. Sitting behind whatever desk. As if maybe (just maybe) if the words are written with your pen in your handwriting in your notebook it could somehow suddenly become conceivable that maybe (just maybe!) such a perfectly-stated sentiment could have sprung from your skull instead of Kurt's or whoever's. And maybe if you stare at it long enough you can own it.
It's greedy in a way, but it's more than just greed-- there seems to be a talismanic aspect too. Like if you repeat someone else's words enough-- and convincingly enough-- the essence of the phrase will rub off on you. Like maybe it will protect you.
But what I really want to know is if I take out my spiral notebook and copy out ANAGRAMS in longhand front to back, word for word, does that count as writing? I think I would actually be weirdly satisfied. And afterward would I finally be able to write something of my own again? Cause, shit man, if so...
It's greedy in a way, but it's more than just greed-- there seems to be a talismanic aspect too. Like if you repeat someone else's words enough-- and convincingly enough-- the essence of the phrase will rub off on you. Like maybe it will protect you.
But what I really want to know is if I take out my spiral notebook and copy out ANAGRAMS in longhand front to back, word for word, does that count as writing? I think I would actually be weirdly satisfied. And afterward would I finally be able to write something of my own again? Cause, shit man, if so...
